An Open Letter to Mikel Obi

Dear Mikel,

I’ve just been looking at you… I’ve just sat down in this my corner and I’ve been looking at you and the rubbish that you played in this World Cup. God knows if I had told you what was on my mind before now, FIFA would have banned Nigeria from competitive football for at least 5 years.

Before the competition kicked off proper majority of Nigerians believed you would be key to the team’s chances, and if you had a good tournament the team would too. We had some concerns after the first few friendlies in which you played absolute rubbish, but optimistically waved your performances away chalking it down to the non-competitiveness of friendly games.

Oya the World Cup started and it was time to step up to the plate. Apparently you left your plate back on the bench at Chelsea where you have a designated spot complete with a power outlet to charge your phone while the games are played. Against Iran Nigerians cringed to watch you stroll round the midfield like you were the reigning World Footballer of the Year, losing the ball time and time again with your ‘big-man’ passes and over-exposing poor Ogenyi Onazi as you refused to help defend. Okay, maybe it’s because it’s Iran and Mikel will step up against Bosnia, we said. Wishful thinking. We suffered through another lethargic performance in which you were nearly invisible and we saw more of the linesmen than your otu arse. Thank God for Osaze and Emenike, two of our standout performers at the competition for combining sweetly and bagging the goal that won the game for us. Their excellent performances overshadowed your disappointing showing. Osaze, a 32-year old player was running his lungs out that day while Mikel, reportedly 27 years old (although we know better) was walking about the middle of the park like he was at a picnic. We sha won that game without your contribution…

Argentina vs Nigeria. The BIG day! The game we qualified for the World Cup to play! On one hand, we had the MVP of the 2005 U-20 World Cup Leo Messi and on the other we had the MVP runner-up in the same competition, Mikel Obi. It was expected that both ‘stars’ would renew their rivalry and influence the game for both their sides…We all saw how the story played out… Messi was in supreme form, scoring two sweet goals while Mikel Obi turned in another anonymous, god-awful performance that must have had Jose Mourinho frantically working the phones to managers of lower-league sides, trying to sell his professional bench-warmer to any club dumb enough to take a gamble on him.


Three games, no Mikel Obi… Unlike 2005 where he and Taiye Taiwo (who was 3rd most valuable player) were old men bullying their juniors and forming stars, Mikel was competing in a tournament of his mates and was brutally exposed as a lazy player whose style of play was a big minus to his team. Remember that Messi is supposed to be your ‘mate’ o, but in terms of achievements he has completely dwarfed the hell out of you since your breakout tournament in 2005. Want to know some of your other ‘mates’ at that tournament? Fernando Llorente, David Silva, Pablo Zabaleta, and Radamel Falcao. Can you compare yourself in terms of skill and global reputation with these players you broke out with? Have you watched them play for their National sides? Have you seen their passion and commitment to winning for their countries? Would you rate yourself at par with them?

Dear Mikel, as I kept watching you play rubbish I asked myself if you would put in the same performance if Mourinho was generous enough to field you. Would you remorselessly keep losing the ball like a secondary school player if you were playing at Chelsea, especially as there are more than 5 top players who can play in your position and keep you on the bench where you have been perpetually? Is it safe to think you believe you are doing Nigeria a favour by putting on the Green-White-Green? It is one thing to be an Ahmed Musa who is a frustrating player but gives his best (within the limits of his skill) and it is another to be a Mikel, an overhyped, frustratingly lethargic player who never seems to turn up when he is expected to. While your arse left a permanent imprint on the Chelsea bench last season a number of Nigerian football fans kept asking why Mourinho didn’t play you…Now we see clearly why, with you lack of forward movement and your penchant for only passing sideways. There’s really nothing special about you, nigga. If I compare your play to the lady who plays in your position for the Falcons, I’m 100% sure she contributes more to the team than you.

My advice to you? Get ready for a sale to Leeds or West Brom or Charlton, as those are the kind of teams Mourinho is probably going to flog you to. If you like when you get there continue playing your big man football and see where that gets you. And if you don’t want to play for Nigeria, you can be going. As sure as the PDP is going to rig the hell out of the 2015 General Elections, we will definitely find a better, more committed player to take over the position you are occupying so disdainfully. I don’t know if it’s because you have a misguided superiority complex that you will refuse to pass the ball and be shielding it like an ode when an opponent comes close to you. Even when you mercifully agree to pass, 3 out of 5 passes are either sideways or you lose the ball. Maybe you aren’t completely to blame…Stephen Keshi should have been brave enough to bench the hell out of you given your dead performances. You claim to be an experienced player, but didn’t have the good sense to drop to the ground and get the referee to send Giroud off for that elbow on you. If he had been sent off, maybe we would have killed off France with our numerical advantage (seeing as we had them on the ropes for most of the game without your help) and we woulda made the quarters. Defence you no get, Attack you no get, sense you no get. Rubbish.

I’m done, cuz…I’m done. Just feck off.